How to Become Swedish without Much Hassle

Tall, blonde, blue-eyed, and attractive—these features are often attributed to Swedish people. Many feel envious when comparing themselves to a Swede. Maybe, you are one of them. You want to be tall, but in fact you are short. You want blonde hair, but you are bold. You want to have blue eyes as clear as sky, but your eyes are brown as ... You know where this is going.   Maybe, you think it’s enough to learn Swedish and understand the culture. Sure, the language is difficult, but you can put in the effort. The culture is different, but you can adapt to it.   Still, you are wrong. The average Swedish person is simply unaware of his or her way of being and of living. Fortunately, there are better ways in which you can become Swedish, and I am here to help.   In no time, you will be more Swedish than Bjork Bjorksson, who lives in Stockholm and is a fisherman.   1. Care about the environment. Don’t be scared. This doesn’t mean that you have to read books and scientific articles on the topic. Most Swedes don’t have a clue about what caring for the environment actually entails.   Just say that you care about the environment. Do the recycling as everyone else is doing it. Don’t use plastic bottles. Follow Greta Thunberg on Instagram. Do these are you will be friend with nature.   You don’t even have to do it in Swedish. Just do it!  2. Be a feminist (and wear pink tops unironically). For centuries, Sweden used to be a Christian nation. But with the dawn of this century, the Nordic country has adopted a new official religion: feminism.   Follow this new creed faithfully, and you will be viewed in a positive light by other members of congregations (other Swedes).   Does it mean you will have to respect women? The answer is simple: you will have to respect women only if you are a white, heterosexual man. Others can behave anyway they want to behave. The only condition for them will be to post the hashtag #feminism on at least one Instagram post each month.   3. Carry with you a Palestinian flag. We aren’t sure why this happens, but there are two theories regarding the waving of Palestinian flags in Sweden.   As mentioned, the religion of Sweden is feminism. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t other minority religions. One such religion is Islam. For respect to the Islamic faith, Swedes have created the beautiful tradition of waving Palestinian flags. If you want to become Swedish, shop online right now for a Palestinian flag and practice waving it for when you arrive here.   4. Don’t be racist, only antisemitic. According to Swedes, all people have value. That means that it doesn’t matter that you are a Black guy with an immense penis, an Asian man with small eyes and mathematical talent, or an Indian man who uses his hands for wiping his ass, cooking, and eating. We are all the same, so don’t be racist.   But, instead, you can be antisemitic. It seems that the Swedes have a plethora of Jewish jokes since Adolf Hitler used to rule Germany. In fact, be sure to have that Palestinian flag with you. Whenever something bad happens in Israel or to a synagogue in Sweden, tens of Swedish citizens wave their Palestinian flags in public. This is the beauty of Swedish diversity.   This is what you ought to do if you want to be a Swede. Remember, you don’t have to learn Swedish or adapt to the local culture. Being Swedish has to do with the attitude. Be an environmentally friendly, pro-Palestinian feminist and you are good to go. If you are non-white, those are serious extra-points to your new Swedish identity.   Eating putrefied fish is also an important thing to do if you want to become Swedish. This is even more relevant if you are white. If you are white and want to get some extra points for becoming Swedish, then having a can of Surströmming weekly will get you far ahead in the game.